说得请吃饭。我说那简直是对劳苦大众的剥削，偶已经半年没看见工资是什么样了。然后他说这叫工业文明，最穷的人应该学会投资，而他这样的中产则可以开始消费，比如他可以顺手给点小费云云。
这种论调遭到了我的唾弃，虽细想也对。可既然投资也该有投资的资本，所以还是选择放弃。
而好像因此心情见晴了。
 

发誓：不过这样的生活。
任何生活，任何方式，任何伤感的痛苦的人和事，都不至于成为障碍。
生活是需要勇气的，当然更需要的还是热情。我有勇气，也希望能尽快的点燃久违的热情。

万分沮丧，不断地考虑生和活的问题。
万分忧伤，不能顺应生活变化而改变的时候。
老爸打来电话，嗯，很好，你放心吧，你闺女……
不到五分钟，老妈也电话，哎呀，老妈，没事，身体棒着呢……
然后想哭，可还是要工作，在两个非常尊敬我的人身边我强忍住了眼泪，继续给他们如何壮大市场如何做好门户出谋划策。那时候，悲哀将我吞没，但是没有人知道。包括我自己，也就是让悲伤失神的念头一闪而过，而已。但是悲哀如海，我不能改变。
晚上回家的时候，又看见了被我连抓4次的那个小偷。
最早一次是在去年元月，闸北，恒丰桥头，最近一次是昨天晚上，在徐家汇，横道线上，而这次，是在浦东东昌路地铁。
他显然也发现了我，我对他笑，他立刻回避了眼光。
我问他有没有战果，他支吾了几声，竟然有些羞赧。
然后他和我说话，还说请吃饭，我没有了言语。无边的悲哀。想起那天晚上朋友抱着我不断得说，没有人说说话，没有人说说话。如果现在他还算朋友，那么对我来讲，他的做法永远不可原谅，但他的话，却一句一句的敲打在我的心里。。这更添我的悲哀。
回家的时候整理衣服，自从那天换下，就没有动。一个周，懒得看，想把那堆衣服扔掉，但知道不过是自欺欺人。然后开始收拾衣柜，在一个口袋里发现了一张纸。看看字迹非常潦草，看看内容，知道是在10月底，第一次踏进陆家嘴写字楼。。在休息吧台小坐的时候，一个满脸青春痘的韩国人递来的纸头，后来我知道他叫圣东，再后来，我写下了这么多的字：
“天堂没有车来车往。。
这是我第一次如此安静的看着窗外，让我想起第一次来上海，那个繁华的街上。事事都是这么凑巧，也是11楼，那时我有很多的憧憬，当然这时也有，但却是心在蜀营心在汉。。今天写信，又一次感到激情在胸，像第一次去电筒，几番的艰辛，第一次去证券，几番辗转，第一去灵师……如ALAN说的，我一直认为你是应该冲在最前面的那种，Lee则很平静的和我说关于磨练关于沉淀。。老实说，只有这三家公司让我充满了希望，也只有这三家公司让我深切地感受到自我，以及长久以来的积郁。
我不属于云淡风轻的人。对我来讲。。”（后面的字就看不清了。）。。
非非说，吾有大患，须待日后慢慢计较。。
而在我，大患让我喘不过气来，不想计较，因为不想日后。。
死亡。
写下这个词的时候，我鼻子酸的不行，眼泪直打转。
我知道，对于这样的字眼，我有些害怕，但还有些渴望。实在神奇，实在矛盾。
是一种解脱吧，对我。但又是我自己对自己最大的蔑视。我无法解释其中的种种事情，但总是想起非非不断告诫我的：人生的主题乃是挣扎。永不屈服。永不屈服。。。

这几天一直想让自己快乐起来，努力工作、找人聊天、跟朋友疯、出去逛逛、消极怠工、做好吃的、看小说、听音乐、看周星星、交新朋友、没黑没夜的睡觉，电话或者写东西……几乎用尽了所有方法，，可是还是没有让自己快乐起来。。


张开嘴就想说人生如梦，一眨眼就想哭。太难过了。我就沉浸在无边的悲哀和绝望之中。。
人说当生活没有目标，当过于倾向自我，才会生出这么多乱七八糟的情绪。我不这样认为，也许我该去看看医生，但是我不想去，或者是不屑于，因为我是这么强悍的相信自己的力量。。

1.

      Once when I was six years old I saw a magnificent picture in a book, called True Stories From Nature, about the primeval forest. It was a picture of a boa constrictor in the act of swallowing an animal. Here is a copy of the drawing. 
      In the book it said: “Boa constrictors swallow their prey whole, without chewing it. After that they are not able to move, and they sleep through the six months that they need for digestion.” 
      I pondered deeply then, over the adventures of the jungle. And after some work with a colored pencil I succeeded in making my first drawing. My Drawing Number One. It looked like this:
      I showed my masterpiece to the grown-ups, and asked them whether the drawing frightened them.
      But they answered: “Frighten? Why should anyone be frightened by a hat?”
      My drawing was not a picture of a hat. It was a picture of a boa constrictors digesting an elephant. But since the grown-ups were not able to understand it, I made another drawing: I drew the inside of the boa constrictor, so that the grown-ups could see it clearly. They always need to have things explained. My Drawing Number Two looked like this:  
     The grown-ups response, this time, was to advice me to lay aside my drawings of boa constrictors, whether from the inside or the outside and devote myself instead to geography, history, arithmetic and grammar. That is why, at the age of six, I gave up what might have been a magnificent career as a painter. I had been disheartened by the failure of my Drawing Number One and my Drawing Number Two. Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.
    So then I chose another profession, and learned to pilot airplanes. I have flown a little over all parts of the world; and it is true that geography has been very useful to me. At a glance I can distinguish China from Arizona. If one gets lost in the night, such knowledge is valuable.
    In the course of this life I had a great many encounters with a great many people who have been concerned with matters of consequence.! I have lived a great deal among grown-ups. I have seen them intimately, close at hand. And that hasn’t much improved my opinion of them.
    Whenever I met one of them who seemed to me at all clear-sighted, I tried the experiment of showing him my Drawing Number One, which I have always kept. I would try to find out, so, if this was a person of true understanding. But, whoever it was, he or she, would always say:
    “That is a hat.”
    Then I would never talk to that person about boa constrictors, or primeval forest, or stars. I would bring myself down to his level. I would talk to him about bridge, and golf, and politics, and neckties. And the grown-ups would be greatly pleased to have met such a sensible man.